Acharei Mot begins with “after.” After the intensity. After the chaos. After things that shake the system. It doesn’t pretend life is always calm or orderly — it meets you right after the moment where you’re trying to find your footing again.

Boy, do I feel this every day — the “after.”

After the divorce… after my daughter going off to college… after moving to a place that does not align with where I want to be… after realizing that family can still be stuck in a narcissistic mentality that is so draining — especially when you move back into the same area they live.

I am trying to find my footing again. And honestly, it’s been since fall of 2023 that I’ve been trying, and I feel lost.

I regret moving closer to family, because instead of support, I often feel pulled in every direction — do this for me, pay for this, take me here, why don’t you do more. At the same time, I’m working a job that gives me the workload of four people and then wonders why everything isn’t done, expecting 12-hour days instead of hiring more help.

I don’t know many people here outside of family. I miss my friends in Massachusetts. I miss my daughter — who is now dealing with a chronic illness in college — and being 700 miles away and not being able to physically show up for her in the way I want to.

Since then, I’ve felt stagnant. Frozen in time. In pain. In limbo.

I would plan these perfect weekends where I was finally going to take control of my health — and then day after day, I wouldn’t follow through. I’d skip workouts, eat like crap, collapse on the couch, scroll endlessly because I was too mentally and emotionally exhausted to do anything else… then lie awake until 2 or 3am unable to sleep. And then repeat it all again the next day. Week. Month. Year.

I’ve been searching for anything that would help me get my life back on track — something that actually made me feel like I wanted to get up and live again.

Every time I thought I found it, it turned into some cookie-cutter program — one size fits all, nothing that actually resonated with me. I’d follow it for a bit, then fall off again.

And most days, I’d sit down to start work from home just minutes after waking up. Coffee in hand. Already knowing I had skipped the gym again.

And then one morning, I looked at my bookshelf.

Years of books on Judaism. Torah. life cycles. growth.

And it hit me.

What if the “plan” I’ve been searching for has been sitting in front of me the entire time?

So I made a decision.

What if I use Torah as my guide for rebuilding my life — not just spiritually, but physically, mentally, emotionally, everything?

And what better timing than this week’s Torah portion — Acharei Kedoshim — which is literally about the “after.”

So today, the first day of the week, I set my intention for the next six days.

I grocery shopped and meal prepped according to kosher principles. I scheduled morning strength training before work. I added an after-work walk or bike ride so I don’t fall into the couch spiral. I’m incorporating prayer, and a short midday reset or meditation.

It looks like a lot on paper — but it’s really not. It’s just basic living. Something I’ve been avoiding.

I know there will be failures along the way. But today, I’ve actually written down what I want, and I’ve put structure in place to make it possible.

And honestly — the fact that I’m sharing it publicly will keep me accountable. Shame has always been a great motivator for me.

My first priority is simple: I will not let outside forces derail my mornings. No scrolling until after prayer and movement.

And maybe most importantly — this week, I will not allow my family to dictate how I live my life, or make me feel guilty for it.

In fact, I’ve already scheduled a trip to visit them across the state so I can tell them in person that I will be moving back to Massachusetts this summer.

I know there will be guilt. I know there will be pushback. But I’m standing in the decision that I am living my life for myself, and for my daughter — not as the caretaker for everyone else’s needs.

That is not what I am here for.

And if they don’t like it, that is their issue — not mine.

Now I’m going to go mow my lawn. Because I am fully capable of doing it myself, and frankly it looks like shit.

Then I’m going to the beach and read the book I’ve been avoiding for months.

Because self-care is no longer optional. It is the priority.

Follow my journey this week as I share what works, what needs adjusting, and what completely fails.

This is the “after.”

And I’m finally choosing what comes next.

— Yael