As you might have seen in other writings earlier this week, I tend to use self-deprecating humor about myself. Sometimes it is used just to get the point across, other times though, I tend to believe it. Then yesterday afternoon, as I was exiting the parking lot of the Dollar Tree, after having snagged some items an influencer told me I should try, I thought, I hope this works against my awful thighs. And then as I was then chastising myself for thinking it, I had an epiphany.

If lashon hara spoken against others is a sin, then wouldn’t lashon hara spoken against ourselves also be a sin?

As I drove back to the house, I began thinking of all the times that I have talked myself out of opportunities due to negative self-talk. It was as though I was convincing myself that I would not be able to succeed, be good at something, that I would fail. And I would listen to that voice, as though it was a high end life coach convincing me that I am not good enough, so do not even try.

During this reinvention time, where I change to choosing life over what I have been doing for decades, this is a huge change that I will be undertaking as well. We should be our own biggest advocate, cheering ourselves on to be able to achieve the biggest dreams. In order to be able to do that for ourselves, we need to stop speaking lashon hara about ourselves. At least to ourselves. You would not tell a best friend that she looks horrific in the outfit she is wearing or that she is acting like a pig eating something, right? Then why would you say it to yourself? For that matter, maybe it is not really the humor that is the problem — it is any version of that thought you would actually believe. After all, what we say about ourselves to others is just as important as how we behave.

So this week I will begin the practice of saying “stop” anytime a negative thought about myself enters my mind. Stop anytime that self doubt enters my mind and tells me not to try. Stop anytime I have stress or anxiety about what the next month will bring with the move. I will meditate on all the wonderful people and opportunities that Hashem has brought into my life, and that I trust that He has put me right where I should be, and what happens comes from Him for a reason. To show gratitude and self-love that I am enough and capable of turning dreams into amazing realities. If I fail, at least I tried, instead of believing that self negative voice in my head and never even giving it a shot.

Someone once told me that the mind views feelings that you have when you are anxious the same as excitement. The mind cannot tell the difference, but your body can. So after I heard this, any time I would feel anxious, I would tell myself that I was excited. I am excited to have to go through the home inspection process; I am excited to get to go through my things and pack what I am taking. My mind feels the same, my body relaxes and the tension in my shoulders relaxes.

Now, the self-deprecating humor is not going anywhere anytime soon, and maybe it does not have to. That is a joke I make, out loud, usually to connect with someone or make a point land. It is not the problem.

The Dollar Tree thought was something else. Nobody heard it. It was not a joke. It was just a quiet, automatic belief that I am not enough, running in the background like it had every right to be there. That is the lashon hara I am trying to catch. Not the humor, but the unspoken stuff I would never actually say out loud to anyone, yet somehow feel entitled to say to myself, on repeat, in a parking lot, about my thighs. If the humor proves a point, maybe it serves others well to read and hear that I too have had those same thoughts, and that we cannot all be the best at everything. A failure looked at through the eyes of humor rather than regret may be easier to heal from, like knowing full well I will never win a singing contest.

But the quiet, believed version? That is the one getting the stop sign from here on out.

And for the record, my thighs are fabulous.

— Yael